Con Man

I feel at times in my life like I have some how pulled one over on a great many people who know me. I had a meeting weeks ago with a woman who runs a book festival in PDX. I have volunteered for this festival in the past, but for the last couple years had to step away to make sure I was providing my work life with the proper attentions. I am volunteering again and wanted to meet with her to discuss what positions were available amongst the volunteers. When we met she had mentioned that other volunteers had 'mentioned me in tones of excitement'. Much of this is likely blowing smoke up my rear, but I'll it admit it made me feel good. I've got a pretty fragile sense of self-esteem.

But like alchemy it mixed up a concoction of clever wording and a sense that the quirky smirk I pose is more effective than I believe it is.

You see, I take heart in the fact that I am a kind, friendly, and sometimes a generous man. I like to make others feel comfortable when they tell me about themselves, when they divulge their thoughts and opinions. I like to let them know that I care what their about. Because I do. It intrigues me to know how  someone ticks. Not just their motivations, but the little quirks that are their signature. I like to see the poker-table ticks when they're excited, when they're sad, when they can't help but express the pieces that are truly their own. I'm not really great at responding to those pieces and cultivating them, but I tend to see the surface of their passions in brief flashes.

But it confuses me some when people respond to me in a positive way. When few detail that there's an appreciation for my presence; for my particular brand of company. I see myself in one way and the persona I display--I feel--is a bit different.

I feel I have managed to convince a great many people I am smarter, more capable, and kinder than perhaps matches reality. But perhaps this is a pervasive cloud of doubt.

I'm certainly not saying that such a personality is entirely absent in me, but I so very rarely see it in myself. It's jarring to hear a particular view when I carry a differing observation of my own. I feel like a con man. I feel like so often I have managed to put on a character that fits in well with the rest of society, that doesn't trip flags in anyone else's awareness. I feel as if I have worked hard to chameleon myself into the proper channels to get what I want.

But the dissonance comes when I hear someone discuss qualities I have affected upon the world. It seems odd that the persona I feel I put on, that I separate myself from, seems to represent a particular character that people can relate to. And one from which I feel distant.

I believe this all to be a personal flaw. I might be distancing myself from a rather accurate version of myself because of a lack of confidence in said simulacrum. When the con man is successful I can't seem to understand why. But when my image doesn't quite meet snuff I can step back from it and adjust the chemical balance to make the amalgam more palatable. By something of me sometimes gets lost in translation.

Douglas Adams  has a joke in his Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series details the effects of the pan-galactic gargle-blaster. Often the imbiber feels present at a distance of five feet to their left. Welcome to my life.